Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
