In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
