I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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