i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
