I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
