my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
