Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
