You really coming over, don't trick.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
