so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
