If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
