you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
