come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
