I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
