I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
