So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
