doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
