my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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