I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
