Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
