you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
