Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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