I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
