Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
