I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
