I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i dont even know how to be here
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
