Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
