you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
