When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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