she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
