Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
