Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
