dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
