He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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