So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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