I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
