Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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