Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
