I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
