last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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