Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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