did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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