I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
