i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
