I just cut my nipple shaving
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
