We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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