the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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