OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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