I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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