just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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