I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
