Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
