I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
