Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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